Empty

I am sure the days pass with mundane succession for my Mom, a caregiver. Although Dad no longer lives in this home, she helps him at some mealtimes. When he is here, at home with us, she helps him eat, helps him when he is choking, and helps him in the bathroom. I know many times it is just automatic. There are times when it hurts, especially on birthdays, holidays and anniversaries. But, on other days it just business as usual. But as I look at each action that she takes, I see how she is demonstrating her love for him and how she is fulfilling her marriage vow. It's not easy---and if I can be honest--it really sucks...but she does it and it is a testimony. I used to struggle because I felt that in the past my Mom would punish my Dad for his wrongs, but that's gone now. He's helpless and she is giving him all that she can. I really admire her for her faithfulness.

I don't think that Dad knows all that she does and sacrifices for him. I don't think he grasps that anymore. Sometimes there is a bare flicker of engagement. When Dad sees Chase for example, he smiles---mouth open wide--and Chase bursts into giggles. I tell them to kiss and Dad leans in and Chase cringes at the tickly beard but is laughing. The first time I told him to kiss Grandpa he did...before he knew what a tickly face Grandpa had. I took Dad into his home today and communicating with him was hard. I couldn't tell what he wanted to do and when I looked in his eyes, I saw emptiness there. Oh...that makes me grieve for the man that he used to be when I was little. When I touch his frail arm, guiding him to his room or when I hold his gaunt hand, I feel such sadness. When I hugged him and felt the bones in his back and kissed him, he made sad face and sort of whimpered. Dad, my heart was doing the same....