A Complex Beautiful Heart

I have to admit that I have a very complex relationship with this boy.  He and I rumble a lot.  I feel like I am always struggling to get him to do this, get this done, or not do this or that.  I get so frustrated when he strikes out at his brothers without any provocation.  I also have a hard time with his grumbling.  For example, he fought with his older brother today and he got a "punishment" of losing electronic devices for a week.  After that little episode, I walked him over to his school building, and he complained the entire way there.  I had no success helping him think about what he could do with his time or how he could work things out better with his brother(s).  So, sometimes he just really makes me want to scream.  This happens more with him than with his other brothers, and so it could be our personalities.  It is hard for us to work together.  This homeschooling stuff is so incredibly hard with him. 

But then, I get these beautiful snatches of joy with my son.  This afternoon, as a result this "punishment", he played about 12+games of a card game with me and didn't want to stop.  I loved watching his expression when he beat me, because he didn't pull it off all that often.  I didn't dare bring his attention to how much fun he was having, because I didn't want to spoil it!  

I also love the glimpses I have of his sensitivity.  This boy has a SUPER sensitive heart.  On one stateside visit, the boys witnessed some teens killing some baby ducks by stomping on them.  He cried and cried for hours.  He was heart-broken this week when the baby gecko he caught got away over the weekend and he cried about an Indonesian man calling him "fat".  He is the only one of the three boys who mentions how much it bothers him that he gets stared at (for being white) or laughed at (for reasons he can't understand).  He can't stand it when his brother calls him "stupid", because his heart hurts.  

Last week my middle and youngest boy were with me when we saw a filthy ragged man sitting on the road.  He was not begging or asking for money, but when I saw him, I grabbed some money from my wallet.  I just felt that tug on my heart to respond to him.  I asked my son to give it to him, but he shied away from it and so the youngest boy did.  The man's face just LIT UP, and he had the biggest smile on his face.  It impacted this son.  He saw that expression.  He talked about it for awhile and I could tell that it made an impression on him.  I love that about him.  His heart is beautiful. 

I know this too, because as we packed to move to Indonesia, I found a paper that he had written for school.  It wasn't FOR me, but it was ABOUT me.  When I saw it, it melted my heart.  When I am frustrated with him and when I want to scream, I should read this.  There is no doubt that I love this boy with ALL my heart---

One of my favorite people is my mom.  She is like heaven on earth, when I have a problem she helps me fix it.  She is one of my most favorite people.

I can’t describe how much my mom helps me.  One thing is she helps me with homework and other things I have to do. 

During a hard time I can always count on my mom and when I have a problem I can always tell her and she won’t laugh.  That is why she is the best mom on earth. 

When I read this, it convicts me too.  I read it and think of my negative responses and the frustration I express and wonder, how can you think I'm the best mom on earth, son?  I am thankful that God works through me (in whatever messy state I'm in!) to help my son in the ways that he needs it.  And, I hope and pray that I will become even more sensitive to him and his amazing and beautiful heart. 

Search for Wisdom

Some days it is kind of scary to be a parent, and to try to determine the best course of action for your kids.  We made a decision this week that seems to age me in a millisecond!  For the coming week, Ryan is going to try attending some 7th grade classes at the school we work at.  He is still enrolled in four online classes at the 6th grade level, but will be attending some elective classes at the 7th grade level.
There are quite a few reasons for this decision.  The sixth grade has been a challenging environment for him and we've reached a point where we have been receiving a lot resistance when it is time to go to class.  Also, in January, he would go do his "extra classes" with 7th anyway because 6th won't have any of those classes.  They spend whole 2nd semester preparing for the Indonesian national exam, which our boys won't need to take.
Ryan visited one of my 7th grade classes at the end of this week.  I have to say, it made me feel old.  It also made me feel a little sad, as he takes yet another step away from his younger brothers.  I'm hoping it will be a better environment for him.  I hope he'll make some friends.  I'm hopeful while I'm sad at the same time.  I realized how big this will be for Niko too.  Although they were not in class together and they did not have the same schedule, they were in the same building.  His brother is really moving on to something new and I think Niko is going to feel that loss as he has already felt the loss of his brother growing away from him.
So, for the week, we'll be testing the waters, feeling it out.  And, we hope and pray it is a positive move.  Please pray along with us!

A Special Day

Have you ever looked back at your life, realizing that God chose you specifically for some particular purpose that He had in mind for you?

This a very important week. In a few days, a special boy has a birthday.  I will never forget the day God brought him into my life. I was at home by myself at our house in Kembangarum, in Salatiga.  The phone rang.  When I answered, it was one of my very best friends.  She said that she needed my help.  One of her relatives from out of town had just given birth in Salatiga.  The mother and her young husband already had one son. They felt strongly that they could not keep another baby.  It would be too much for them.  Financially they could already barely provide for their first son. They wanted to leave Salatiga and leave the baby behind. She asked me if I could take the baby.

It was a difficult question to answer.  I am a closet baby lover (I don't "ooooh" and "aaaah" over babies, but I sure love to take care of them.)  Here was a young family in need.  How could I refuse to help?  But, I already had two sons. At that time, quite a few foreign families were looking into adoption.  Some had spent a lot of money and exerted a lot of effort to adopt, then had their hopes dashed. Many heard, "You already have two children, so your family is complete.  You don't need another child." I knew some foreigners were "fostering" but would face having to leave the child behind if/when they had to return to the States.  I knew that would not be best. As much as I like babies, I did not feel compelled to take the child and raise him. But, I understood the situation was difficult.  She wanted to drop the baby off right away.  I asked for a little time to make some calls and see if any of my Indonesian friends were interested in adoption.

One couple I knew wasn't very interested.  I sent a message to another friend and then one of her brother's called me. He started to ask me questions about the situation and about the baby.  Then he said, "Well, you know...just yesterday my brother and sister-in-law asked us to pray for them because they decided to pursue adoption."  Can I honestly tell you, that I felt the shivers run up and down my spine at his words!?  I said, "Friend, I have to tell you...just yesterday, this baby was born!"  I felt completely certain that he was born to be part of their family.

I was swept into a situation of which I have never known the like.  That afternoon, a car pulled up to my gate. Inside was the family with a brand-new baby. I had never met them before.  The young father was driving.  I saw their young son, who definitely appeared to be malnourished.  In the backseat, the young mother was holding her newborn baby.  She was weeping, tears coursing down her cheeks, as she whispered goodbye to her little one.  She trustingly turned over her newborn into the arms of a complete stranger. I think God really prepared me.  I think that if I had let the gravity of her situation really sink in and if I would have imagined myself in her shoes, I might have said, "This is just too hard.  I think you should just keep him."  God didn't let me go there that day, but allowed me to be in the right spirit to act and move in the way He purposed.

(Insert: I must say, through this experience, I have a lot respect and admiration for the courage mothers demonstrate--when they realize that for some reason they cannot keep their child.  Maybe they are single and young and unable yet to parent.  Maybe they know that they can't provide the best life for their child.  Whatever their reason, I deeply respect them.  I can't imagine anything more difficult.)

I carried that precious baby into my house and waited for his "new parents" to arrive.  I had never met them before that day (although I knew other members of their family).  They came into my home and I placed this new baby--their answer to prayer---in their arms.  They were weeping as they saw him and realized this meant instant parenting.  I think they were probably stunned and in awe of God's response too.  They felt anxiety, wondering if the birth mother would change her mind.  They felt anxiety, wondering if the adoption would go through legally since the families were of different faiths.  Despite their worries, they took that baby boy home and started a new chapter in their lives---suddenly, without nine months of preparation---not even 9 hours---!!  They were flung straight into parenting and caring for a baby, with a lot of learning to do along the way.

Over the days ahead they met the birth mother.  They shared their hearts with her and extended their love. The legal part of the adoption sailed right through and their son is completely theirs. As he has grown in stature, it is amazing to me that he bears little physical resemblance to his biological parents. He seems to be, completely, the spitting image of his adoptive father.  They named him "Samuel" because God heard and answered their prayer, just as He heard and answered Hannah's prayer for her Samuel.  God answered immediately for them--right when they prayed, Sam was born into this world---for them, and even looking like them!  I am sorry, but it seems like in this situation, God was showing off a little bit :)

I celebrate this week because it is Sam's birthday. I remembered his birthday even when were in the States and sent him things so he wouldn't forget us!, but now I get to be here in person.  Sam isn't very warm with me.  Maybe it is because I'm a white lady.  Perhaps it is because when he was a wee boy I cut his thick wavy hair for his folks and made him cry big buckets of tears.  Maybe it is because he has some sort of understanding of the role I played in this past. I'm not really sure.  I do know that I was given a very important role at just the right time and I have an important role now. My role is to pray for him as he grows, help provide for him and his parents as I can, and encourage his folks in their ministry and as they raise this young man. I am blessed beyond measure because GOD did something amazing and I got to be a part of it and witness it all go down!

Happy Birthday Sam!  May God bless you each and every day of your life. You--and your parents--are very special to me! 

Newborn Sam and his new parents!

Sam is growing up!

October Newsletter-Finding our Way

Three months ago we landed.  We arrived “home” supposedly.  It was a familiar place full of faces of people we loved.  Some people had moved on and there were new faces.  We moved into a new home in a new city and had to get used to new things, which although were new, weren’t new at the same time!  (Is that confusing, or what?)  We can speak the language, we know where the stores are, we know things about these people and this place---but yet, we don’t because we do live and work in a new environment.  It has been a time of change and transition. 

Initially we felt pretty torn between the ministry we left in Salatiga and the people we love there and the new ministry and people we are getting to know in Semarang.  Slowly that has feeling has dissipated.  We still keep in touch with our friends in Salatiga, but we are leaving more of that behind emotionally.  We see friends from there now and again, but we are building firmer relationships with the people we work with here and are shifting our focus to that.  We had to go through this, for we had to see our friends in Salatiga.  And although that caused tension in our hearts to start with, that feeling is leaving as we develop things here and fall in love with where God has placed us. 

We are all still in transition, including the kids.  We would ask that you remember them as they walk through this journey.  Chase had a rough initial adjustment, but has surprised us all by coming out of that superbly.  He wants to go play in the street with the neighbor kids and is not shy even though their language is different.  He is working on learning the language bit by bit.  He also loves playing with the 7^th graders I teach.  Ryan and Niko are making slower progress.  The schedule they are juggling (some online classes and some at our school) makes it hard for them to get to know the kids well. But, educationally it is the best option for them.  They have met some nice and helpful kids in their classes, but have not gone further in developing friendships.  This is another point of prayer for us.  Both boys have been able to contact some friends in the States via Skype, and we are so thankful for that.    We are thankful for their friends back in Indiana who are not afraid to keep in touch and “stay friends” despite the gap in distance!

Thanks for your prayers.  We really appreciate them!  They are so encouraging to us. 

We will try to keep in touch more about our journey and we’d love to hear from you,
Blessings,

Casey, Sharon, Ryan and Niko