A Complex Beautiful Heart

I have to admit that I have a very complex relationship with this boy.  He and I rumble a lot.  I feel like I am always struggling to get him to do this, get this done, or not do this or that.  I get so frustrated when he strikes out at his brothers without any provocation.  I also have a hard time with his grumbling.  For example, he fought with his older brother today and he got a "punishment" of losing electronic devices for a week.  After that little episode, I walked him over to his school building, and he complained the entire way there.  I had no success helping him think about what he could do with his time or how he could work things out better with his brother(s).  So, sometimes he just really makes me want to scream.  This happens more with him than with his other brothers, and so it could be our personalities.  It is hard for us to work together.  This homeschooling stuff is so incredibly hard with him. 

But then, I get these beautiful snatches of joy with my son.  This afternoon, as a result this "punishment", he played about 12+games of a card game with me and didn't want to stop.  I loved watching his expression when he beat me, because he didn't pull it off all that often.  I didn't dare bring his attention to how much fun he was having, because I didn't want to spoil it!  

I also love the glimpses I have of his sensitivity.  This boy has a SUPER sensitive heart.  On one stateside visit, the boys witnessed some teens killing some baby ducks by stomping on them.  He cried and cried for hours.  He was heart-broken this week when the baby gecko he caught got away over the weekend and he cried about an Indonesian man calling him "fat".  He is the only one of the three boys who mentions how much it bothers him that he gets stared at (for being white) or laughed at (for reasons he can't understand).  He can't stand it when his brother calls him "stupid", because his heart hurts.  

Last week my middle and youngest boy were with me when we saw a filthy ragged man sitting on the road.  He was not begging or asking for money, but when I saw him, I grabbed some money from my wallet.  I just felt that tug on my heart to respond to him.  I asked my son to give it to him, but he shied away from it and so the youngest boy did.  The man's face just LIT UP, and he had the biggest smile on his face.  It impacted this son.  He saw that expression.  He talked about it for awhile and I could tell that it made an impression on him.  I love that about him.  His heart is beautiful. 

I know this too, because as we packed to move to Indonesia, I found a paper that he had written for school.  It wasn't FOR me, but it was ABOUT me.  When I saw it, it melted my heart.  When I am frustrated with him and when I want to scream, I should read this.  There is no doubt that I love this boy with ALL my heart---

One of my favorite people is my mom.  She is like heaven on earth, when I have a problem she helps me fix it.  She is one of my most favorite people.

I can’t describe how much my mom helps me.  One thing is she helps me with homework and other things I have to do. 

During a hard time I can always count on my mom and when I have a problem I can always tell her and she won’t laugh.  That is why she is the best mom on earth. 

When I read this, it convicts me too.  I read it and think of my negative responses and the frustration I express and wonder, how can you think I'm the best mom on earth, son?  I am thankful that God works through me (in whatever messy state I'm in!) to help my son in the ways that he needs it.  And, I hope and pray that I will become even more sensitive to him and his amazing and beautiful heart.