People You Meet

It is interesting how God orchestrates relationships from the briefest encounters.  I have been pondering the coolness of that for myself over this past year in Anderson.  I attended a Bible study for a short period at the beginning of the school year.  I was put into one group, but found that most of the women in the group were young mothers.  Although I have some young kids, I am actually an "old" mother of young kids!  :)  I tried one other group and was only able to attend a few short times.  Then I realized that the situation was not best for my home-schooling kids.  They were trying to be good in child-care, but they were getting bored.  So, I decided I shouldn't go anymore and should focus fully on their school since I had committed to doing that.  Although I didn't spend much time in that group, I met someone who has become a dear friend.  She in an incredible person and I am glad that I was able to get in touch with her after I left that study group.  I have been so blessed by my relationship with her...and all from a short but important time in that Bible study!

Another relationship I have been so blessed by is a friend from high school.  We have not kept in touch at all, but came across each other at church during this year.  I am thankful for the time I have gotten to spend with her.  She is not going to our church anymore, and when I thought about it, it made me so thankful that our paths crossed when they did.   God is good that way!!

Who has God brought into your life who you are thankful for?  How did God orchestrate that? 

Significant Moments

I have definitely shared before about "urgings" that God has given me to reach out to people.  I apprecaited those so much in Indonesia.  There were so many people in need and it was impossible to reach out to all.  Some people warned against reaching out to everyone because there were those who were being used by others to beg, etc.  It was difficult, surrounded by poverty, to know how to help the best.  People would knock on the door, begging for money for school, medicine, or other things.  I always prayed for wisdom to know how to help in the best way.  I had some really memorable moments, when God just spoke to my heart and told me, "Give that person Rp. 20,000" or "Pay that person's bill in the grocery store."  Those are moments that are really significant to me.  I will treasure those moments in my heart.  It won't be until much later, when I learn why God gave me those instructions.  One of the greatest faith moments involved wiping out most of our savings to give a gift to strangers in the States who had just become unemployed.  The most amazing part of that experience was actually having a sense of God laughing with glee!   I asked, "Are you SURE about this?!?!"  And He just laughed with joy saying, "Just watch!  Watch and see what I will do if you obey!"  Then God returned all of those funds and blessed us even more abundantly! 

Although I sometimes am tempted to feel that I am used more in ministry overseas, it is not at all true.  God has still impressed things upon my heart here.   This last week I had an interesting experience.  I had to cancel a dentist appointment for my son who had developed a really nasty sore throat overnight.  The receptionist is the dentist's wife.  When I called to cancel, she was really angry and upset.  She said that put them in a really difficult position because their next appointment was not for another hour and a half.  When I asked about changing it, she said I would just have to take my chances and then she hung up on me.   I felt kind of shocked about the ribbing I had received and I felt bad for having to cancel.  It was nothing I had intended!  I said to my boys, "Well, maybe we should look for a new dentist!"   However, that really didn't sit well with my heart.  I was stewing and was feeling unsettled.  I didn't feel like I deserved the response I had gotten.  I felt like I should not ignore it--but should try to make it right.    On my way to run another kid to VBS, I stopped and bought donuts and coffee for them and I dropped it off.  It was the tiniest bit awkward, but she explained she had been up late and had a bad headache.  She had been able to tell all the other office staff not to come in, but had felt upset that she couldn't sleep in too.   I apologized again, just wanting her to know that it had not been intentional.   I wanted her to know that I cared.   She called me four hours later at home, thanking me again.

It was not a big deal--and it was just about smoothing some ruffled feathers...but I am really thankful for the Spirit's prompting---to not let it go, but to reach out.   My Mom reminded me of Matt. 9:36 this week.  Jesus had compassion on the people because they were confused and helpless.  I want to be a person who reaches out to those in need, as He prompts.  Because He knows best what my skills are and who I will best relate to.  He knows when we should try to confront and mend a relationship or when we should just let things go.  May I keep by eyes, ears, and heart open!  Will you do that too? 

Turning it Upside Down

I know that some people may disagree with the thoughts I have now, and I am okay with that.  This is just where my thoughts are, and as I write them, I don't mean to offend anyone.   I find it interesting to try to lay it out and to give this whole new line of thought a voice... :)    Please feel welcome to agree or disagree...I am fine with either!   And, please, do not take anything personally.   This is not directed at anyone in particular. 

I grew up with a feminist father.  That is to say, my Dad was very supportive of women's rights and would agree that a woman should and could have the same opportunities as a man.  I think, that if Dad was himself these days, that Dad would be a promotor of any person who was not receiving their rights.  He would be for the struggling and for the disenfranchised---regardless of what puts them in that position.    Dad always made me feel that I could be or do anything.   I felt this freedom to think about my future and what I wanted to study and what I wanted to do.  I am thankful for that.

I remember my first experience with discrimination based on my gender.  It happened when I was working at Sears.  I began working in Sears when I was still in high school and I worked there for 7 years.   Actually, I experienced plenty of "discrimination" there.  The situation I will not forget involved my work in the hardware department.  The phone rang and I picked it up.  The man said, "I want to talk to someone who know something about drills."  I said, "Yes, sir...how can I help you?"  He said, "NO... I want to talk to someone who KNOWS something about drills!"   I rolled my eyes and called for a MALE co-worker to help him out.   Although I was a female, I had received all of the training and although I didn't have a lot of personal experience with routers and circular saws---I  knew that the young man I called to the phone probably had just as much as me.   I remember feeling frustrated and annoyed.  It also happened when I moved to the electronics department.  I was struggling with the decision about whether or not to make the move to work in the all-commission electronics department.  There were only men working there.  I was told clearly, "If the men in that department don't like you, you won't make it."  I made it there because I did get along with them and they became my brothers/best friends (to this day!).  But, because I was a woman, I had no shot there without their support.  It was truth, because I saw other women come and try and they didn't make it.  

Things have really changed for America now economically.  Many people are trying to get jobs and they just can't find one.   I am finding that my perspectives are changing a lot and that God has things to say to me about being a wife and a mother.   When we got back, I had a few job offers in the area of teaching.   I had a job offered to me immediately for there was a great need.  I felt uncertain about taking it, and God shut it down.  He said clearly, "You are not to take a job until your husband has a job."   Men and women are really wired differently, and I am coming to see it and grasp it.   There is no problem with a woman who works outside the home, but truly, at our core---we were created to nuture and help out children grow and to care for our home and husband.  Men find a lot of value and affirmation in their work.   God created them to be the bread-winners.   Women find a lot of value and affirmation in raising their children. (Please, I know these are generalizations, but I really do believe that mostly hold true for everyone.  I understand that there may be a few cases where it doesn't fit...but I think it mostly does.)   I have witnessed several situations where the woman has had to work because there is no job for the husband, and I have seen how difficult that has been on them.   It has wounded their relationship.   When Casey and I were here for a year in 2004, it happened to us.  Casey had some freelance work, but it was not steady employment.  I got a lab tech job and did some teaching at a community college.  He was home a lot with Ry (3) and Niko (18 months).   Deep in my heart I feel sad about that time because I missed some key moments for Niko.  Casey did it--and he did fine with it---but it wasn't the best fit for him.  The value from a job, where he could care for his family, was missing.   It wasn't "right" and it caused a lot of stress.  

The area where my perspective is changing is in the area of how to choose someone for a job.  I have always struggled some with Affirmative Action.  I think at the beginning it really was a valid policy and perhaps can be if you have two people with equal qualifications but one is a minority.  I think that in that case, it was important to give some greater support to minorities.   However, I have witnessed many cases where a minority was chosen because they were a minority, and they really haven't done the job properly.  It is hard to watch when you see that----and you know that your husband was not even called for an interview for that position...to see what he could bring to it. 
As I look at the job market and what has been happening, I feel like the white male has had to endure increasing discrimination.  However, they can't make an arguement for that in a politically correct nation for that would be "racist".  The country is changing and the white male or female is possibly the minority at this point in time.  Since the whites have been those who have oppressed others in the past, this may never be righted again.   I don't really feel comfortable with exchanging one type of discrimination for another.  Is it okay to shift things so dramatically that we poor discrimination on the perpetrators from the past generations?   

So, this kind of leaves me with a mental conundrum.   In applying for other jobs, so I can help my family financially, do I really believe that I should be considered over a male for the position?  Should I even apply at all, if it means that a man who is my competitor for the position may not be able to buy food for his family?    Those are good questions for me to grapple with.   All that I can do is prayerfully consider my actions and pray that God directs me and the potential employer to pick the BEST person for the position---and not the female.   

Headline

I was shopping for something the other day and I saw a magazine near the cashier.  The headline really stood out to me.  I can't remember now which magazine it was, but perhaps it was People.  It was featuring a celebrity who has a son recently diagnosed with an illness.   The headline read, "I will not let him die".    I understand that the headline (and probably the article, although I didn't read it) meant that the mother would fight for her son and provide all she could for him.   As a celebrity, they probably have more resources than many other people.   But, on the other hand, the arrogance of the headline stopped me in my tracks.  Who are we to think that we can control anything?  Who are we to think that we can keep a loved one here?   Who are we to make such a statement?  Juxtaposed against such arrogance was the humility I witnessed as a father and husband shared his broken heart yesterday at an amazing memorial service, crying out--"Why God?....Why did you take my wife and my son?"   There was no arrogance as he shared his continuing faith in a God he does not always understand.   There was no arrogance as he laid his grief bare and as made evident  that he will choose to willingly cling to and surrender to God in the face of such hardship.   

Who are we to think that we can understand the ways of the Lord and control the world? (Job 38).
Blessed be Your Name....

God's Gift to Me...My Husband

Eighteen years ago I got married.  We got married when we were still in college.  I have never regretted the who I married, but I in some ways I did regret the when.   It was hard to be married, take classes, and then both work several jobs.  There was one semester when we didn't see each other, save when we passed each other on Highway 32 somewhere between Daleville and Yorktown.  He was doing classes at Ball State and would be heading back to work.  I was student teaching in Yorktown and working nights at Ball Memorial.  I would keep my eyes peeled for his black Camero and would wave as I passed by.  It was not easy to manage studies effectively and then also start a married life together.  We didn't really do that in the best way.  That was soooo long ago.   I remember our first few anniversaries when we tried to do something "unique" and "different".   An early anniversary that I remember involved going golfing for the first time.  I was really terrible of course, and we had to stop a lot to let other people play through.  Then an employee came out to the green and said, "Just take her to green and let her putt"...because I was doing such a terrible job driving the ball.  When all that was done, we took off on the most exciting adventure ever that completely changed us.  We headed off around the world to work in Indonesia. 

Our thirteen years in Indonesia brought many changes in our lives, but probably the biggest changes were the 3 wonderful young men who joined our family! :) We endured alot in another country--both good and bad.  But, what made it all wonderful was going through it with Casey.   I will remember flying to Bali for one anniversary and I will also never forget a more recent anniversary (#14) when we got to spend a few days almost completely isolated on a remote tropical island. That was pretty stinkin' fabulous :)

Often when we hit an anniversary, I find myself wanting to assess how we could do it better.  I start thinking of the things I feel that we could improve as we continue on this journey together.  Today I just want to give thanks for the husband God gave me.  I thank God that we got to experience a new culture and language together.  I am thankful that God gave us three most excellent sons to raise.  I am thankful for the wisdom God has given my husband and for his care and protection for his family.  I am thankful for the dedication that he gives to the job he hates, so he can provide for us.  I know that God has used his life to bless others and I know that this place, where he is right now, is not permanent.  I hope for something where Casey can use the talents God has given him in order to be a blessing to others.   I am also really thankful that he loves me---and puts up with me :).

Right now we are living by someone who lost their spouse recently.  It hurts my heart to think of being without the person you love.   I do not want to take this man---my sweet husband--for granted...ever.  I do hope and pray that we get so spend many  more days together.  I also know that I must live in the now and treasure every day I am given.

Uncanny Similarities

Recently Casey and I were able to visit our friend who is serving a prison sentence for armed robbery.  He was sentenced in 2004 and is not eligible for release until 2025.   We had an interesting talk with our friend.  What we found was that his experience is very similar to what we have been going through, adapting and transitioning back to American culture.  In prison, he has had to adapt to a new way of life.   He has had to figure out how to navigate the system and "stay alive".  I would argue that he faced many more challenging things than we did living overseas, but we also had to learn how to navigate life in a foreign country.  He spends a lot of time thinking about getting out and also asking questions about how things have changed "outside".   He has little understanding of how things are now on the outside, and when we came back, we did not either.   We both are American.  We've both lived here in Indiana, but because of our time away, it has all changed.  We've struggled to figure out how to navigate a completely online world of job applications and interviewing, and we've had a hard time figuring out what is required to get a job.  We've found that some things do look and feel the same, but our lives are different because we have lived in a different culture with a different set of values and concept of time.   So, there have been changes both to the place and county itself and then also to ourselves.  The same is true of our friend.  He will face changes to this place and country and then will also find that he is not the same person he was when he entered prison.  It was interesting to sit and listen to Casey talk to our friend--and watch them realize that they are in very similar shoes.  I hope that our experience helps him when he is in the position to enter society again.  

Nature's Beauty

Edgewater Park is not the prettiest park in the city of Anderson.  However, it has an attractiveness to my boys because it runs alongside the White River (which is not so "white").   Hence, the name--Edgewater.  Sometimes, when the rains have come or the snow has melted, you can actually not enter the park because a large portion of it is underwater.  When we came last fall, the water was very low.  The kids actually took off their shoes and headed into the river, searching for crawdads and other various treasures of the river.  It was great, until Chase thought he would drink some of the water.  I kept telling him to stop, but he thought I was joking.  Yes, he had some tummy issues the next day.  Sigh.   :(    The water is definitely NOT clean and should not be ingested.  You also want to wash your hands well after playing in it.  But, something about a river is magnetic.   

Sunday was tranquil.  The boys were thoroughly entertained by trying to fish (Ry/Niko) and by throwing rocks in the water (Ry, Niko, Chase and Casey!).   Ryan caught a decent sized fish actually--which flopped itself right back into the water after being unhooked.   We walked down into the forest for awhile.  The path is not so nice, because the animals (I'm guessing water fowl) cover it with waste.  You have to tread carefully, or clean your shoes later.  But, the grasses and the forest are beautiful.  They do not mow because it is wild grass and the flowers and the fungi are just amazing.  As we returned from our walk, we looked across a private field that is mowed.  In the middle of a field was a large and beautiful fox.  He was just staring at us as we went along the path.  Then as we moved on, he started to move too and then stopped again to watch us.  He was amazing.  Suddenly, out of the undergrowth of a tree line barged an animal I had never seen before in person.  Casey thinks it was a badger.  It was brownish and almost as large as the fox, but with a rounder body.  It attacked the fox and they fought a bit.  Then it ran back to the tree line and then charged the fox again.  They disappeared into the tree line, fighting.   I thought it was neat to see these animals, which I had not seen, in the flesh.   I think I am seeing more animals here than I saw in the jungles of Indo.  On a walk several weeks ago we came across a snake sunning himself on our path.   I think it adds to the beauty of nature, which sometimes I take for granted.   Casey has moaned some about how Indiana is not that beautiful--it's "flat" and "boring"....but, I'm finding quite a bit to be interested in :). 

Naked Flying

I was in Indianapolis in 2003 (I think :).   Ryan and Casey were back in Indonesia and I was heading to/from a writer's conference in Florida.  I had routed through Indianapolis for some reason.  Details like that escape my memory now for some reason.   I do remember though, being in the security line.  We were headed through the line and people were removing jackets and belts.  As we removed layers of outerwear worn in colder climates, I remember the gentleman in front of me turning around and saying, "We are just a few steps away from naked flying."   Oh, how right he was.   Shoes have to be removed now as standard procedure.   However, the news story that the boys and I heard this morning on NPR gave us frightening food for thought.  Apparently an Al-Queda Arabia plan was thwarted recently by a double agent.  He offered his services for a suicide mission and was given a funky new underwear bomb which was "form-fitting" into a pair of briefs and "hardly detectable by airport security."   Based on the track record of the TSA, an their propensity to be reactive instead of proactive, I now completely believe that the stranger in line was absolutely right.  No WONDER I am doing my best not to fly domestically in America anymore.   Train, automobile, boat...here I come!!

Same Verse

When you come across the same verse a few times over a relatively short period of time, maybe you should pay attention.  One verse that has come to my attention a few times is:  Matthew 8:20, "Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”  I came across that verse in a R12 study group and then my pastor just preached on it this week.  I think that God knows that I am really ready to have a "home".  Although I am a MK/TCK and have never really had that sense of "home" that others have, I feel weary of traveling and moving.  We've almost been here in the States for an entire year.  As I sit here, there are trunks stacked right next to me which can't be unpacked.  I'm tired of that.   I remember vividly some days when being "at home" in Salatiga struck me.  I remember that I was driving on certain city streets.  It wasn't a house I was thinking about, but I was realizing that the town of Salatiga was "home".  Although I was a foreigner, I felt comfortable there.  Although I had some belongings with me and others in the States, I was still as "at home" as I would ever be.  
But, that feeling is gone.  This town, where I live right now, doesn't really feel like home.  Don't get me wrong, there are people I love here.  There are some church communities which I love dearly.  They are helping me grow and learn new things each day.   I have made some brand new friends who are completely incredible and are sold out to God.  They humble me and encourage me.  However, this still feels transitory.   I am not sinking in and being "at home" or settling.  I don't know what that means.  Maybe it means that we will move again, sooner than I realize?  I do feel like a "foreigner and stranger on the earth".   I guess He is trying to say that following Him doesn't mean that we settle, sink in, and get comfortable.  We're ready every moment for what is next.  My heart cries out, "I'm ready Lord".   And, I think I'm ready for heaven...where we will be settled together with Him forever. 

Da Boys

I spend a lot of time with my three boys.  This week I feel like I spend TOO much time with my boys.   :)  I thought it would be a good time to write about what they are into and what they are up to. 

• What we are reading together:  The Twin Towers by Tolkien
• What they are reading on their own:  Tintin books, creepy stories (Niko) and things about reptiles, Star Wars, dinosaurs.
• What they are watching:  At the moment, a Japanese Godzilla movie
• What they play:  Play Station, DS and Niko has a "friend" next door named Abigail who is here for a few months.  They play outside.  Together they learned to roller blade and they have taken to climbing trees.  The only bad day was when he got stuck in a pine tree and couldn't figure out how to get down.  It's gonna be rough when she leaves.  Chase loves Abigail too.  If Niko goes out, he wants to go too.  It's always, "Is Abigail home?"  When he goes out, he often rides his tricycle.  Yeah, he's gonna miss Abigail too.    Chase is our "motor" boy.  He likes trains, cars and motorcyles a lot more than his brothers did, which pleases his father's heart.  
• What their parents make them do:  karate.  All three boys are doing karate now.
• What they are interested in:   They like animals.  Ryan has two tadpoles he is caring for and Niko has a snail.  Ryan has also planted a whole line of sunflowers at the apartments where we live, and has been watering them.  They are into seeds and planting and seeing things grow.
• How they are changing:  Ryan is growing very tall.  Niko is gaining inches too, but it is hard to see when you compare it to how quickly Ryan is growing.  Ryan and Niko basically don't like girls, although at least Niko will play with them.  And, Abigail is not very "girlie", says Niko.   When Chase says something like, "I love girls" or "Who loves you, baby?" the older two erupt in a chorus of "EEEEWWWS."   They tell me that even though I am a girl, I'm alright.  It's like I don't count.   In the past week, Chase has hit his full-on-talk button.  He has already been talking plenty, but this week it has been way more mature.  He sounds just like a bigger kid!   When Casey took him to the store for an hour this week, he said Chase talked for the entire hour.   Guess he was getting his 2cents in while his brothers were gone.   :)    He is still my "Linus".  He loves to hold his blankie on his head or face when he is tired, and his little mouth starts sucking.  He has done that since he was tiny.   He loves to pretend he is a puppy.  He wags his tail and barks and you are supposed to feed him, give him water, and give him a mandi.  :) 
• What they are learning:  We are trying to finish up our first year of home-schooling.  Only 28 more days to go!!   It's proving tough to finish out well.  We are thinking about an online school option for the fall.  It should be a pretty flexible thing, no matter where we end up.   It's been an interesting year with positives and negatives. 

I love my boys.  This week they may be driving me crazy, but I am so thankful that I am their Mom.  What a priviledge and an honor!  May I cherish my moments with them always! 

Practicing Thankfulness

I have read through part of the book "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp and have been encouraged by others to embrace gratitude and thankfulness. I already know, through experience, that when you have a spirit of gratitude then negativity and the spirit of grumbling is pushed out.  My sister-in-law and I started sharing one thing we are thankful for each day with one another.  I think that this is a good practice for me, but  I feel like I am wanting more.  I feel the need to live in gratitude.  It seems like Voskamp is getting at that when she talks about every day moments and about that gratitude seeping out through every pore---at every moment.  I want to be in a place where I wear those glasses.  That as I look at my life, I see things---constantly, to praise Him about.   I don't think I am there.  Most days in my life right now it is a struggle to name things I am thankful about.  I have some key ones (my family, my friends, an income,  a place to live)...and I can always fall back on those...but, I want to be a person that lives in gratitude so that every moment offers something to give thanks about.  I want to see the beauty or the treasures in my daily chores and in my daily struggles.   That's where I want to be. 

Caution Required

One lesson I have learned in this process of transition to the States is the need for caution in both what I say to others and also how I process what others say.  We left our work overseas with a clear conviction that we were following truth and doing what was right, even though it hurt so badly.  Over those weeks of "goodbyes", so many people told us--over and over again---that God had something "big" in store for us.  After hearing it so often, we really took that to heart I think.  In all the pain we looked with anticipation on what was ahead.   Now we are where we are, and it doesn't feel good.   We ask God, Where is this something BIG?  This is so not it!  Our hearts are filled with the broken pieces of our expectations.   I think I've learned something really important from this.  I know that everyone who spoke those words had good intentions.   But, as I think logically about it now, I realize that it may just have been their own personal words of comfort.  I can't necessarily take that as a "word" from the Lord.  I know that there are people in my life who have spoken the words of God to me, but that doesn't mean that every believer out there is.   I need to keep that in mind and have some realistic expectations.  I understand more now that those words were meant for comfort and encouragement.  I mean, who wants to say, "Bless you as you go!  It's really going to be tough and awful to adjust to the States.  I hope you survive it.  God will be with you"?    Maybe, standing on the other side of it now though, I would have appreciated more "truth" and less "make you feel betters"?    It's also taught me to be careful about how I encourage others and what I say.  When I encourage, I need to offer truth in love.  I need to stick with what is really in the Scripture--He is Lord.  He loves us.  He is with us.   He does have A plan.  

Lost

As you can tell from looking at this blog, my blog has gotten "lost"...and I rather feel like I have gotten lost too.  It is so hard to tell where I am right now.  There is so much going on with my family, our transition to the States, and my own mind and heart.  I feel lost in this powerful storm and there has not been a break in the weather. 

Something that has caught my heart recently is the story of the disciples in the boat with Jesus.  He was so tired and as the boat went out on the water, He fell asleep.  As He slept, as storm came upon them.  They battled with it, trying to keep their boat from capsizing.  As they worked and struggled, He rested.  That's an incredible picture in my mind.  I see their arms flexed, their teeth clenched...every part of them, heart and soul, involved in the struggle.   And, He sleeps.  Peacefully, quietly, without concern at that time.  What has spoken to me is that He didn't get up right away.  He continued to sleep.   He let them struggle and work for awhile.  They had to come to Him and rouse Him..."Help us Lord!"   I don't know His purpose for them in that moment.  I don't know why they had to deal with the tough exhausting work or the fear and terror of impending death.  Maybe so that they could see, that there is peace in that. He has a peace that He offers that cannot be shaken by our intense emotions, grief, loss, pain, suffering and "being lost".   I fight, I pull, I struggle--and as I look at Him in the boat of my life, I just want to let go and snuggle up in the crook of His outstretched sleeping arm.   What am I waiting for?   There is peace and there is rest. 

(Now that my blog is no longer "lost", I hope to use it more often...) :)